Random Thoughts

Ok, I think I'm going to try this again. I just need a place to write out my thoughts. Hopefully, no one pays attention to me. :) I'm finishing up college now. A lot has changed since I posted before... my sweet baby has grown and changed so much. Since her thrush diagnosis, she's been relatively healthy. Her immune system is apparently really good, except when it's not. She doesn't even get colds or anything, but her last ear infection set off a cascade of illnesses that spanned an entire MONTH. I can't believe we didn't leave the house for so long. It was awful... but she's back to being healthy now. She'll start kindergarten at the real school this August. I can't believe she's so OLD now. She's such an old soul, though, sometimes it's hard to believe she's so young.

Anyway, like I said, I'm finishing up college. I returned as a senior and will graduate in December. It has been a really long year. I'm doing good, but I'm so stressed. Working is SO MUCH EASIER than school! I really have enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Going back as one of the oldest was scary, VERY scary... but... the girls have been wonderful! This really is what I was meant to do. Every time I step into a classroom, I feel like I belong. I can't wait to teach. I thought I would be a stay at home mom forever, but B really needs to be with other children, and I need to teach. I will do this as long as God has planned for me. Hopefully, I'm learning to trust His perfect timing. It is so hard.

I guess that's what has me blogging today. It's a timing thing for me, I know it is. Getting B here was one of the most challenging things I have ever been through in my life. It was difficult emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually-- everything. I know it changed me. I'm stronger, more sensitive, more loving, more grateful, (lol, and not as healthy), as before. Now, though, every time I think about more children, I think, I can't do that. I can't put my body through another pregnancy. DH really wants us to... he loves babies. I don't feel like another pregnancy is for me. I feel led to have more children, but not by me... does that make sense? I keep telling him that I think God wants us to adopt. I think B is meant to be a middle child. LOL. I think that scares DH even more. I don't think older children is something he's ever thought about. We could probably adopt a million babies and he would be ok, but it's the idea of an older child that worries him, I think, but that's where I feel led. I guess I will just continue to pray and see what direction God leads him in... he is the head of our family, so if it's meant to be, God will lead him there. I just pray whatever the answer that I am prepared for it. Or if B's meant to be an only child, I pray I'm ok with that, too. She's good as an only.

Day 2

I think having this blog will be good for me. Yesterday improved so much after I got all my thoughts out on paper. I really do have a geat family and the best friends a girl could ask for. I was doing my devotion this morning, some girls and I are doing the Beth Moore study Jesus: 90 days with the One and Only. Right now, I am really far behind and playing catch up, but hopefully, with you as my accountability, it will be easy to stay on top of it. Today, I was reading about Mary and Martha. I've always been able to identify with Martha, I told you that, kind of, yesterday. Martha was a worker bee. Martha thought it was her job to take care of everything and everybody. Not a bad goal-- completely unattainable-- but not a bad goal. She wanted everything to be perfect for Jesus. Can you blame her? The problem was that she was so distracted by what she was trying to do, that she couldn't even tell how much Jesus loved her. She came to him and said "Don't you care?" (Luke 10:40b) I've done that. Jesus, don't you care? Don't you care that I work so hard? Don't you care that I'm tired? And do you know what his overwhelming answer is? EVERYTIME I ask, his answer is, YES! He loves me so, so much. I just get 'worried and upset about many things' when 'only one thing is needed.' Yes, everything I worry about is still important, but sitting at Jesus' feet and learning from the master is MOST important. Beth Moore says, "Don't neglect to give Him ample opportunities to lavish you with the love He always feels for you." Wow. I always forget that! Lord, have your way with me. Show me how to focus on you and not worry about what is not right in my world all the time.

I was also thinking about something else from yesterday. At the very end of the passage, Mark 9:29, the disciples had asked Jesus why they couldn't heal the demon-possessed boy, and Jesus replies, "this kind can only come out by prayer." How many times do I forget that key part? I was thinking about my own child this morning. She's such a happy critter today. I don't know what makes the difference. Yesterday and the day before, she was evil. Not really evil, per se, but just mean and whiney. She's thrown 2 yr old sized temper tantrums that will bust your ear drums, and she's not even one yet. Now, she has always had belly problems, and I don't know if that is playing a part with her mood swings, or what. She has a 'dairy sensitivity,' we think. I have avoided all dairy and soy products for the whole first year and she's still having issues. We went to the allergist and he says it's not a 'true' dairy allergy, but it sure seems like something is up. I started adding soy back into her diet, and I'm slowly working in dairy products. Her mood swings are HORRIBLE, but how do I know if it's dairy related? I'm taking dairy back out, again, and we will see if the moods swing back to good. Today, is a good day. Not the first temper tantrum, yet... but it is still early. I started really thinking about that verse in Mark. Have I just forgot to pray for my baby? How often do I forget what should be so completely obvious? God made my baby, can't he fix her, should he so choose? Then again, I feel bad about complaining, I know others have way more problems than we do. But, God says to come to him, no matter how small our problems. If it's big enough for me to worry about, it's big enough to take to the Creator. So, join with me, if you will, Lord, I come to you now, completely humbled by your innocent words, take care of my baby. You created this wonderful little girl, and you know what is best for her. Help me to be the best mom I can be and show me how to best help her to feel better. I don't know what the problem is, but Lord, you do. Please show me. Lord, give us all peace. Help me to know how to handle her and how to help her grow. Thank you in advance. I love you.

Day 1

Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to begin blogging... what do you think? ;) I'll tell you more about our backstory as I get to it, but today, I think I'll just jump right in. BTW, I talk ALOT, forgive me for rambling, but, hey, this is my place to ramble, so if you don't like it, stop reading!! ;) Anyway, it has been a horrible month. The kind that makes you think, what am I doing so wrong? Why is the world crashing? How do I fix it? I tend to want to be Wonder Woman in everyday life. I like having the answers and being able to fix the problems. I can't. Especially now. I have a beautiful, wonderful, loud, opinionated little bundle of joy, I call her B. :) My baby is 11 months old, wow, and she's the light of my life. God gave her to me to care for. He trusted me with her and I have to do the best I can for as long as I have her. I believe that with all of my heart. But today, I wonder. Did He make the right choice? Was there someone else that would be better for her? I know, deep down, really, DEEP down, I know that I am the mother that she needs. But I feel so inadequate. I can't fix her pains, I can't even figure out how to get her to nap consistently. I feel like such a failure.

On top of that, my dear husband, got a car as a gift from his parents when B was born. They thought that he needed a bigger car, he had a little Honda Civic, but we couldn't fit a car seat in there, so when they bought their new car, they gave us the Blazer as a Christmas gift. WOW! What a gift! Me, I'm not used to extravagant gifts, but I'm learning to be. I encouraged him to get rid of the civic, because he had this great new SUV. He did, he sold the Civic to our wonderful neighbor.... and the Blazer has had problems ever since. I'm so FRUSTRATED!! B never liked the truck anyway, so she always rides in my car, so now, he has this big truck, the gas bill that goes with it, and all these mechanics bills because something is always majorly wrong. Why didn't I just insist that he keep his little sporty car that he loved so much? I just wanted better for him. I thought this was a good deal, but it's not. It's forever breaking. Monday, it broke down. I've been driving him back and forth to work (30 mins one way) with baby in tow, all week. It gets fixed yesterday ($750 that we don't need to be throwing away), and he calls me soon as he gets in to work, it's making an awful grinding sound. The mechanic he used works out of his backyard and DH got no receipt of payment and paid with cash. And, conveniently, is out of town today. I'm almost sick over it all. I hope this guy is as trustworthy as our neighbor swears that he is.

So, with the car, and the baby, I wonder, should I be working full time instead of sitting here typing this letter? I feel in my heart that God called me to be a stay at home wife and mother for B. I truly feel like this is God's plan, but at the same time, I've been wrong before. It would break my heart... I'm not even going to go there anymore today. I have to just trust that I am where God wants me to be, and get my baby. She just woke up from her nap. Pray that the day gets better from here. Going shopping with Melissa... YAY!!

Today's Bible Study was Mark 9:19-29
v. 22b and 23 "'But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.' 'If you can?' said Jesus. 'Everything is possible for him who believes.'

I will cling to that today.