Day 1

Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to begin blogging... what do you think? ;) I'll tell you more about our backstory as I get to it, but today, I think I'll just jump right in. BTW, I talk ALOT, forgive me for rambling, but, hey, this is my place to ramble, so if you don't like it, stop reading!! ;) Anyway, it has been a horrible month. The kind that makes you think, what am I doing so wrong? Why is the world crashing? How do I fix it? I tend to want to be Wonder Woman in everyday life. I like having the answers and being able to fix the problems. I can't. Especially now. I have a beautiful, wonderful, loud, opinionated little bundle of joy, I call her B. :) My baby is 11 months old, wow, and she's the light of my life. God gave her to me to care for. He trusted me with her and I have to do the best I can for as long as I have her. I believe that with all of my heart. But today, I wonder. Did He make the right choice? Was there someone else that would be better for her? I know, deep down, really, DEEP down, I know that I am the mother that she needs. But I feel so inadequate. I can't fix her pains, I can't even figure out how to get her to nap consistently. I feel like such a failure.

On top of that, my dear husband, got a car as a gift from his parents when B was born. They thought that he needed a bigger car, he had a little Honda Civic, but we couldn't fit a car seat in there, so when they bought their new car, they gave us the Blazer as a Christmas gift. WOW! What a gift! Me, I'm not used to extravagant gifts, but I'm learning to be. I encouraged him to get rid of the civic, because he had this great new SUV. He did, he sold the Civic to our wonderful neighbor.... and the Blazer has had problems ever since. I'm so FRUSTRATED!! B never liked the truck anyway, so she always rides in my car, so now, he has this big truck, the gas bill that goes with it, and all these mechanics bills because something is always majorly wrong. Why didn't I just insist that he keep his little sporty car that he loved so much? I just wanted better for him. I thought this was a good deal, but it's not. It's forever breaking. Monday, it broke down. I've been driving him back and forth to work (30 mins one way) with baby in tow, all week. It gets fixed yesterday ($750 that we don't need to be throwing away), and he calls me soon as he gets in to work, it's making an awful grinding sound. The mechanic he used works out of his backyard and DH got no receipt of payment and paid with cash. And, conveniently, is out of town today. I'm almost sick over it all. I hope this guy is as trustworthy as our neighbor swears that he is.

So, with the car, and the baby, I wonder, should I be working full time instead of sitting here typing this letter? I feel in my heart that God called me to be a stay at home wife and mother for B. I truly feel like this is God's plan, but at the same time, I've been wrong before. It would break my heart... I'm not even going to go there anymore today. I have to just trust that I am where God wants me to be, and get my baby. She just woke up from her nap. Pray that the day gets better from here. Going shopping with Melissa... YAY!!

Today's Bible Study was Mark 9:19-29
v. 22b and 23 "'But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.' 'If you can?' said Jesus. 'Everything is possible for him who believes.'

I will cling to that today.